Playing golf can be one of the funnest, most cathartic things you can do. You walk a beautiful course on a beautiful day with some of your best friends, and there is nothing like it. It can also be one of the most frustrating and annoying sports you will ever play. You can do everything right, hit a sprinkler, and you’re putting for triple bogey. You can also hit 3 horrible shots in a row, follow it up with a beautiful 7-wood that lands 4 feet from the cup and tap in for par. It is this almost paradoxical aspect of golf that makes for some great “golf jokes.” The funny is a collection of jokes about the game of golf that are funny, corny, and some of them are just not good…But after all, that’s golf.
One-Liners
Golf is a game, invented by God to punish guys who retire early.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
There are three ways to lower your golf score: take lessons, practice constantly — or start cheating.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The only thing that causes more cheating than golf is income taxes.
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” you score a six, and you write down “five.”
The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
Oxymoron: An easy par three.
“My game is so bad I had to have my ball retriever regripped!”
Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
Real golfers have two handicaps: one for bragging and one for betting.
Golf is an easy game… it’s just hard to play.
How is golf like fishing? Both mysteriously encourage exaggeration.
When it comes to putters, try before you buy: Never buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
A golfer who says he never cheats is also a liar.
The game of golf is 90-percent mental and 10-percent mental.
Story-Style Jokes
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.
As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked’, Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?’
‘Yes’, Robert answered
‘Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?’
‘Yes, I did. How did you know?’
Robert questioned.
‘Well’, said the policeman gravely, Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach
the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?’
Robert thought it over very carefully and responded’, I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.’
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It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!”
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement:
“Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the voice yelled:
“Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee. please?!?!”
I finally stopped, turned around, cupped my hands and shouted back: “Would the jerk with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!”
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Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls”.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
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A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:
“Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one.”
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
“Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing.”
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again:
“Take another practice swing.”
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited …
A long silence followed …
Then the voice again:
“Use the old ball.”
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Lee and Gary head out to the golf course for a quick nine holes. On the first tee, Lee turns to Gary and says, “What do you say we make this time worth something. Play you for $5?” Gary agrees, and they start their rounds.
It’s a great game, and the two lifelong friends reach the No. 9 tee box with Gary ahead by one stroke. After Lee hits a great drive, right down the middle, Gary steps up and promptly hooks a ball into deep rough and trees.
“C’mon,” Gary says to Lee, “help me find my ball. I’ll look in this patch of trees, and you look around over there.”
They look and look and look, but no ball can be found. The five-minute time limit on searching for lost balls is about to run out. Gary gets desperate. He gives a quick glance over to Lee to see if he is looking, then swiftly reaches into his pocket and drops a new ball into the rough.
“Found my ball!” Gary shouts out triumphantly.
Lee looks at his friend with great disappointment. “After all the years we’ve been friends,” Lee says, “you’d cheat me at golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean cheat?” Gary asks indignantly. “I found my ball sitting right here!”
Lee lets out a heavy sigh. “And you’d lie to me, too? All for a tiny little sum of money? You’d cheat me and lie to me, for what? For five bucks? I can’t believe you’d stoop so low.”
“Well what makes you so sure I’m cheating and lying, anyway?” Gary asks.
“Because,” Lee replies, “I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
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Marvin was a 14-handicapper, but one day he walked up to his club pro, a scratch golfer, and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.
“But,” Marvin said to the pro, “since you’re so much better than me, you have to give me two ‘gotchas’.”
“A ‘gotcha’?” the golf pro asked, “what’s that?”
“Don’t worry,” Marvin replied, “I’ll use one of my ‘gotchas’ on the first tee and you’ll understand.”
The golf pro figured that whatever ‘gotchas’ were, giving up only two of them was no big deal – especially if one had to be used on the first tee. So he agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.
Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin $100. The pro had lost to Marvin!
The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.
“Well,” the pro said, “I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled ‘Gotcha!’ “
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Bill and his assigned caddie started off the first tee of the fancy resort course Bill was playing. It was his first time using a caddie, and he was excited.
But by the eighth hole, Bill was already 24-over par. He had lost nine balls in water hazards. And trying to hack his way out of the rough, Bill had dug a trench a foot deep.
Then, on the No. 9 green, Bill was standing over a 1-foot putt when his caddie coughed right in the middle of his stroke. Bill exploded.
“You must be the worst caddie in the history of golf!” Bill screamed.
“I doubt it,” the caddie replied. “That’d be too much of a coincidence.”
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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asks.
Answered the nun: “Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee.”
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” says the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the putt, didn’t you?”
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Tom was a man of faith, and a man of the golf course. He played golf every Sunday religiously, but only after attending church services.
Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling ill, he said to his wife, “I sure hope there is golf in the afterlife. I feel terrible!”
His wife told him not to overreact with talk about the afterlife. “Go to church and say a little prayer,” she suggested, “and you’ll feel better.”
So Tom headed to church. As he kneeled at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer: “Oh Lord, thank you for everything – my health, my wife and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven I can still play golf.”
As soon as he finished, a voice thundered: “Tom, this is the Lord. I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”
Tom was startled. “Well, give me the good news,” he said.
The Lord replied, “The good news is that in Heaven, we have thousands of championship golf courses, play is never slow, it’s always free and you will never lose a golf ball.”
Tom was ecstatic, “That’s wonderful! You’ve answered my prayer! But what is the bad news?”
The Lord replied, “You tee off tomorrow at 9 a.m.”
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The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from the prime minister of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his life. “Have we not,” he asked, “a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?”
“None that plays golf very well,” a cardinal repied. “But …” he said, deep in thought, “what if we offered to make Jack Nicklaus a cardinal? We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play the Israeli prime minister as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Nicklaus was greatly honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
“I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, Your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”
“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes.”
Puns
Are you a bad golfer?
That’s a foregone conclusion.
How bad do you want to be a good golfer?
I have a driving ambition
Are you a scratch player?
I sure am—every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.
Wife: I am sick of your obsession with golf.
Husband: I guess it is driving a wedge between us.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What type of golf game did the fur traders play in the old days?
A skins match.
Dad Jokes
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole-in-one.
Q: Why do golfers never eat pie?
A: They never want to get a slice.
Q: What is going wrong with my game?
A: You are standing too close to the ball after you hit it.
Q: What is the easiest shot in golf?
A: Your 4th putt.
Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Brand new golf balls are attracted to water, and the power of the attraction is in direct proportion to how much the balls cost.
Golfer: I’m ready to go for this par-5 green in two, but there’s still a group on the green. What should I do?
Caddie: Well, you have two options—you can go ahead and shank it right now, or wait for the green to clear and then top the ball half way there.
Do you know how the moon got craters?
3 words: Chuck Norris Golf
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time, it’s distracting! Caddie: This isn’t a watch, sir, it’s a compass.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?” His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.” His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
A scratch golfer hits his ball three hundred yards straight down the fairway. It hits a sprinkler and careens off into the woods. He finds the ball, but trees surround it. He is a little frustrated by his luck, grabs his nine-iron, and hits the ball as hard as he can trying to get out of the woods. It bounces off a tree back at the golfer’s head and kills him. He arrives in heaven, and God himself is at the Pearly Gates to greet him. Looking up his records, God sees that the guy golf’s and says, “Are you any good?” The golfer looks at God and says, “I got here in two, didn’t I?”
I woke up in the hospital emergency ward. The intern came over and asked me if I knew what happen to bring me to the hospital. I explained, “Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I had been having a great game but unfortunately she was not. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball. Just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow’s behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure. Then I called to my wife saying, “Here, honey, this looks like yours.” That was the last thing I remember.
During the weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, “Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?”
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn’t anybody he could play with, because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12-stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, “I really don’t need a handicap, as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps.” And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th, the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap, he hit a very high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said, “Nice shot! But I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?” “Well, I do! Here, help me out!”
Final Thoughts on Golf Jokes
According to Oscar Wilde, “real life imitates art,” but golf is neither real life nor art. It is a game, and games are meant to be enjoyed. One of the best things about golf is the stories you get to tell after a round and often those stories and the things that happened on the course live on in your memory and become a source of joy and laughter for years to come. My guess is that most of these jokes came from moments like those, and we hope you enjoyed them and can use them in your next golf outing.
